It has been just over 6 months since we lost Aiya. My mind still goes back to the day we lost
her and the weeks before. My heart is
heavy when I think of her, but it is also so full. She has made me a better person; a more
caring person. I pray so much more than
I ever used to.
Today I was thinking about after we left the hospital and
went home. I was supposed to go back to
work a couple days following her delivery.
I thought it would be a good way to keep my mind off everything. When I got home, I fell deep; down into this
hole of darkness. I would catch myself
staring out the window as time passed by.
Hours would pass at what seemed like a glance. I stayed home for two weeks.
Having to go into our room and box up all the clothes and
things we had already bought her was horrible.
I held them and cried and cried.
And threw them into a box and put it down stairs. I still haven’t opened it.
Christmas was awful. Just two weeks after delivering her. I had picked out the cutest outfits for her
that I knew were wrapped up for me from my family – thankfully they did not
give them to me. I did not want to go
anywhere or see anyone.
In January we went back to Minnesota to collect her
ashes. I walked into the place alone,
trying to keep it together. It was time
to take my baby girl home. The lady
walked out with a small white plastic jar that looked like a urine sample
collection cup. Her name was written on
the side.
I lost it. I lost all
of me in that building. My baby was
dead. This was real. This is how I get to bring her home.
Instead of cuddling my newborn-smelling, baby girl, I get a
urine cup with a bag of ashes in it. I
opened the top to see inside. There was
hardly anything in there; maybe a teaspoon of ash tied in a plastic bag. Last time I seen her, she had 10 fingers, 10
toes and a beautiful little face. Now
she is dust.
They make preemie urns.
Her’s is a bird. It fit her ashes
perfectly. I find myself walking through
the living room talking to her. I
occasionally pick up her urn and kiss it.
At the hospital, they dressed her in an angel gown. It had been made from someone’s wedding
dress. I will never know who it came
from, but thank you to whoever you are.
It was beautiful. I have a wedding
dress from a wedding I called off 7 years ago.
That dress now has a purpose. I
will make gowns to give to hospitals in Wisconsin so anyone who loses a child
can dress them in a beautiful dress if they choose.
At her ultrasound in Milwaukee, they made a disk of pictures
and I believe, a video of her. I have
yet to look at it. It may be a couple
months or years from now until I am able to bring myself to see her when she
was alive.
We had her wrapped in a pink blanket, at the hospital. I had
received it from a lady that went through the same thing we did. I truthfully would never have been able to
get through everything, if it wasn’t for her.
She was the one person in this world who knew exactly what my heart felt
like. How scared I was. How guilty I felt for having to make a choice
for my baby. And how broken I was every
day after. I sleep with the blanket
every night. It smelled like her for a
while. Now it is getting dirty and needs
to be washed, but I can’t bring myself to wash her out of it.
I like to talk about her now. I tell everyone about her. About who she was to me and to this world in
the short time she was here. Because of
her story, I have talked with numerous people who lost babies or went through
something similar. I feel her story is
helping others cope and heal and understand that life can be unfair and they
are not alone.
But,
There is a rainbow with this story. And it is 18 weeks along. Handpicked by Aiya from heaven.
We had our harmony test at 10 weeks and found out the baby
is low risk for trisomy 21, 18 and 13.
We also found out that we were having a girl!! We had our anencephaly ultrasound at 11 weeks
at Milwaukee’s Children’s Hospital and found out that as of 11 weeks, she has a
round head and everything looked great and she was measuring on. The next nervous step was waiting for our 18
week anatomy appointment to make sure her organs were functioning and there
wasn’t a small encephelocele anywhere.
We found out that she is as normal as normal can be. She is healthy with no concerns.
Praise. Jesus. We will hopefully get to hold our baby girl
and watch her grow.
The day we found out we were pregnant again, I was 3.5 weeks
along. We went trap shooting that
night. Out of the woods, in the midst of
15 people shooting clays, an eagle flew out and circled for about five
minutes. Our first good ultrasound was
at 6 weeks. That night we shot trap as
well and again, an eagle flew out. She
knows. She’s happy. She’s our guardian angel, letting her mama
know it’s going to be ok this time. I
have faith and I pray hard. The power of
prayer, I truly believe, can conquer.
Please pray for this baby; for her health and for her life.
Thank you to all who has followed Aiya’s story. To those who think about her when they see an
eagle. Or tell people about her short
life and who she was.
After every storm there is a rainbow of hope and her name is
Nova, in memory of her sister, and she is 20 weeks along.
